of three signs and one truth

So as most might know, I've been contemplating leaving the museum for awhile now, looking on to different directions as led by the spirit (or so I hope to think). It just amazes me, how little I can give to God, but how steadfast his blessings and promises remains. I am literally awestruck, gasp-and-cover-my-mouth-kind at His faithfulness and love for me. Where man lacks, God restores; where the world fails, God succeeds.

I shall repeat the story for those who might not know... there's been some push factors that spurred me to contemplate leaving, because honestly if there wasn't, I'd get so comfortable because I get along so well w most of my colleagues, and of course, it doesn't hurt to have one of your bestest friends sitting right next to you. I shan't elaborate on the push factors because they are insignificant compared to how God has drawn me to the direction He wants me to align myself to.

Because the thought of leaving was planted in my mind, I decided that I should pray about it, and get my family, the girls and even ramen to pray for me too, to get a clear sign from God that this is what He wants me to do. after all, who wants to leave a relatively stable well-paying job without a confirmation?

so sometime in June, I went for the church camp with this on my mind, and I really went thinking that this will be a good time to sort my thoughts out w God. Naturally, I felt compelled to go for one of the alter calls. calling for purpose and direction in life (as much as it is a common alter-call-reason, it still felt strangely apt for me!). Pastor Stanley prayed for me during the alter call, and he spoke a vision, he said, he saw me speaking in front of a people, with "little hearts fluttering". The moment he said that, children popped into my mind. Not just any children, but the children I'm sponsoring in Myanmar. I've had the opportunity to go to Myanmar to visit them and help with some teaching etc with VisionTrust sometime early this year, but couldn't because I couldn't get my leave cleared. Though I didn't realise, it must've weighed on my mind more than I could have known. I felt that maybe, God was telling me something. Teaching perhaps? 

I asked Pastor Stanley the following week whether he remembered the vision he spoke, and whether he had any inkling what it meant. Well, lol, he didn't remember. But of course, these visions would probably seem like gibberish to him and will only mean something to the person concerned, so I shared with him what I saw as well and he encouraged me to keep on praying and keep an open mind with regards to what I should do.

I took that as my prayer angle. a vaguely specific angle. speaking in front of a people, "little hearts fluttering". those little hearts must be children!

so, I applied for a teaching position in MOE. with all my heart gunning towards teaching secondary school bio. the first cfm-chop sign appeared. I received a mail from the department that was private and confidential. it was actually sent to me wrongly because they were actually review forms that was supposed to be sent to Boss. i realised then that it was crunch time. when i passed the forms to my colleague, she reminded me that i should talk to someone about the probs i've been facing at work and I really dreaded that because it was an awkward thing to do. talking about a problem to a superior somehow makes it official. so i was a little anxious about everything. when I should talk, when i'd receive a response. but God had it all worked out. when i got back to my seat and checked my email, I saw the email calling me down for an interview, I was so happy! I thought, this MUST be it! but when I saw what I was offered: PE PRI, I was like... -.-". I asked Geraldine mostly, what I should do, and she said just email them to ask them whether it's possible for them to change it. and I think they have a standard reply, to say that the position offered is based on your academic qualifications and other relevant factors, if there should be any problems, I can raise it up during the interview. A little worried and doubtful of the first sign, but I went anyways.

The interview was on 12th July, which was, looking back, God's impeccable timing, because I was supposed to have some meeting of sorts then, which was cancelled due to some reasons, allowing me to take a leave for that day to go for the interview! I decided to raise my concerns and my interest in teaching secondary school bio. What they would say disheartened me. "There is no need for secondary school biology teachers at this point in time, what the Ministry needs are primary school teachers." I persisted in telling them about my physical limitations where it comes to PE. and after hearing what I had to say, the interviewers then questioned the administrative personnel why I was offered PE. The reason she gave was because I had netball in my CCA records. Out of 20 CCAs I have, you chose to see the 1 sport I ever did and did only because it was a requirement in hall to have 1 sport?! At the end of it all, I was offered PRI EMS (English Maths Science) and asked whether I'd be willing to accept that. I think my tone was a little hesitant, but I said yes.

I was a little perturbed by the fact that they wouldn't offer me the secondary school track, where I thought degree holders would normally be. but after thinking about it for awhile, i realised that if i looked at the bigger picture of going for teaching missions, the age group of children that i mostly will be handling will be between the age of 7-12 no? but still, i wasn't fully convinced.

then came the second cfm-chop sign. during work one day, a colleague came in with a science exam paper that a pri 6 student left behind in the museum. we all took a peek at the paper and tried to answer the questions. guess what... we couldnt! well, we could for some, but still, the level of difficulty for these questions far exceeds what we learnt in pri school in the past! i was so humbled by that. i am so not over-qualified to teach at the pri level. my pride was in the way for a moment and God provided the experience to bring me back.

so... waiting for the appointment letter to come was a chore. I was due to go for a review soon and I needed to know my plans, but there wasn't any word from them. just when I started to be kanchiong spider, i received an email on 2nd Aug saying that I was offered a contract teaching position and that they will send the hardcopy letter with the details. I rcved the letter on the 7th, was called to go for briefing on the 10th, and appointment will commence 10 september. which i couldn't so i took a long shot and asked if i could go for the briefing at a later date and postpone the apptment date. she offered going for the briefing sometime in late august, and mentioned that because of that, I could only commence my apptment 2 Jan 2013. once again, God's perfect timing! my contract at the museum ends in October. I would be free for nov and dec before i begin, which gives me ample time to go for a short holiday and mission trips without having to worry bout leave matters!

then i realised that the position stated on the back of the letter said: PE PRI. i literally grunted. my mom was w me. I told her about it and she said that they must've not been paying attention during the interview because they wouldn't be offering me PE if they looked at my pattern. so encouraging right. so i took another long shot and emailed them about it. i got a reply:

"Dear Sarah

We wish to explain that the change in subject specialisation is generally not allowed as the assignment of subjects takes into account the academic qualification of the candidates and the needs of the Education Service. We would forward your request to the relevant officer for consideration."

SADDED. but i would still wait and continue praying. I remember talking to the girls and being quite sian about it.

so now, 15th Aug. had a talk w my dep director (thanks Joey, Grace, Ting An, Boon Hong for praying for me!) about my plans for the future. at the beginning of the week, i was pretty sure that i would quit. but after concerns raised by my parents, fueled by thoughts of my own inadequacy for PE, i wasn't really sure anymore. i couldn't give him a definite answer though I was supposed to because i just didn't know now. where he usually would fervently dissuade me from leaving, he was actually quite ok with it. telling me the perks of being a PE teacher, and how whatever decision I make, the museum will support and that i should do what i think is best for me. a strangely calming talk.

i met up w Rebecca, Linda and Jamie for dinner tonight, and i was just updating them about this. i told them about the visions, the direction that i was led towards and how now, i'm wavering. but Rebecca said something that spoke to me. She said something along the lines of that sometimes when we think thoughts, who places those thoughts in your mind? when doors are opened for us, who opens those doors? when opportunities are given for us to take a shot at, who grants them? as long as it isn't something wrong, aren't they all from God? i was really encouraged by that. yes they are from God and I should continue praying and trusting that He will make things right. "Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done" right?

and i'm back now (technically 16th Aug), writing this post at 2:30am because I've just checked my mail and received my third (and i believe final) cfm-chop sign.

"Dear Ms Ng,

Please refer to your e-mail dated 7 Aug 12, regarding your request to change your teaching subjects.

We have reviewed your request and pleased to inform you that it has been approved. Your newly assigned teaching subject is as follows:

PGDE (Primary) (General)

Thank you and we wish you all the best in your teaching career.

Regards,
HR person"

After all these things, what more can i doubt? not only about this issue but with others as well, as long as i keep praying and trusting, what can't He do?

"He has made all things beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. " - Ecclesiastes 3:11

this is the one truth God has shown me.

He made everything beautiful for me and set eternity in my heart.

For the life of me, i cannot fathom what God has done and will do in my life from the moment He created me to the moment He brings me home.

What i do know is that even though i am weak and flawed, His power is made perfect in me, and I in His love. and there is absolutely nothing that can take that away from me.

thanks to everyone who prayed with and for me, and to everyone who encouraged me along the way. most imptly, THANK YOU JESUS!







snll drifted away at 11:58 AM ----------
aussie aussie aussie.

this year, my big trip is going to be... AUSTRALIA. because celest is getting married and i'm going! so i thought, might as well go snooping around the rest of the area.

R has many trips to aussie this year. a short one, a long one, and a fun one (if he manages to get his leave cleared).

i think its gonna be great. ive been to gold coast when i was alot younger, say in primary 1/2? and i thoroughly enjoyed warner brothers studio theme park. i'm not sure whether i'll enjoy it as much, but i guess remembering the area will be just as enjoyable. i'll prolly skip perth, since i've been there quite recently. and yes, i got a little restless over there because everything closes at 5pm. it was a little too slow for my liking. i'm thanking God just a bit that i didn't decide to go over there to study.

so...any must-see/go places in australia? the sydney melbourne area. i'm thinking of visiting the great barrier reef, or going whale-watching. or something like that. should be really fun right? i think the "nature-loving" vibe has rubbed off on me ever since i've started work in the museum.


so i'm thinking, melbourne, sydney, gold coast, great barrier reef?

excited! but first, gotta get this whole load of work done. -.-"

snll drifted away at 2:48 AM ----------
of dreamers and realists.






“There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. You see the dreamers need the realists from keeping them from soaring too close to the sun… And the realists? Well without the dreamers, they might never get off the ground.”


- modern family 2011


i thought of this because i was just telling R about a dream that i had, and asked him whether he had any interesting dreams, but he said no. he doesn't remember his dreams. which led me to think...its so apt ain't it? i'm SO the dreamer and he's SO the realist in this relationship. so much so that he can't even remember his dreams. lol. 


i guess every relationship comprises of a dreamer and a realist. but the role of dreamer or realist a person plays, is never absolute. it changes from time to time, from relationship to relationship. 


where in previous relationships, given my character, i was the realist, uncomfortable with too much "dreaming". my relationship with R now paints a different picture. 


He's OBVIOUSLY a realist. practicality is his middle name. he is the most logical person you can EVER know. or at least i can ever know. (which makes you wonder why sometimes his arguments are so illogical, it doesn't make sense, and i guess i'm the only person who can say that because its a girlfriend's right to contradict herself in saying that my boyfriend is the most logical, and yet illogical person i know. but let's not go into details. lol.) ok putting lover's spat aside, if you see R as a human being, not as a bf, he is realistic. SO REALISTIC, PRACTICAL, LOGICAL. it can be good; stop all the nonsense that people (sometimes i) contribute to this already chaotic world. but it can be bad as well; because doing things the way it should be done shouldn't be the way to live by, we should break barriers, get out of our comfort zones, dream dreams and albeit some might turn into nightmares, at least you have imagination other than logic on your side. let's admit it, the former is so much more fun. that's where i come in. in this relationship, i'm the dreamer. teaching him how to be romantic, thinking of a dream wedding, a dream vacation, a dream date...etc...you get the idea. i say things or do things that makes me vulnerable, with the hope that i might get a haul. a haul of what? be it reciprocated gratitude, feelings, love, satisfaction, it doesn't matter. and even if i don't, i have the ability to pat the dust off my shoulder and move on. not everything i wish to do gets done. i don't always have the means to get my way, and that's where R's character shows me that some things are just beyond me. i'm not saying its impossible, because i've come to believe that everything's possible. but its just not worth it to obsess over, to get discouraged by, to cry over etc. so, we complement each other, and balance out the dreams and realities in our relationship.


its really intriguing to see such a change in roles. if you ask me, i'm happy where i am now. its a much lesser burden to bear being a dreamer. 







snll drifted away at 8:01 AM ----------
of travelling, brutality and supernatural techno wisdom

am doing up a travel journal. of places i've travelled since...well, the first trip i made myself, without my parents, that wasn't a church camp. lol.

and its... TIOMAN. nt very far away I know, but yeah, its the first.

watched hunger games, and i think its nice! jennifer lawrence looked so much better than she did in xmen. and, i kinda felt like this movie is kinda disturbing and haunting. maybe because it involved children killing children. or maybe its the scary futuristic make up, clothes and colourful crazy hair. i just thought of corrine may's song, was it city of angels? that had a line that said something about sad clowns covered in make up in the city. yeah, they all were pretty much like that. everything about the movie seemed brutal. not just the violence and gore, but the distinction between the districts, the bad hair and make up. but it was brutal in a way that was not imagined before. at least not by me, so i was taking it all in. Ramen fell aslp sometimes during the prep of the tributes and i woke him when the action started. lol. the premiere seats are really too comfortable i guess.

website's giving me probs again. please god, send me the wisdom and techno info in my sleep again. i really need your supernatural help!

snll drifted away at 10:20 AM ----------
Thai Ramen with eggs. It's the 5th day since ramen has gone to Thailand :( missing him loads :'( Have I told you the story of how I went to a ramen restaurant with my friend and ordered a ramen? Like I pronounced it the way I would pronounce ramen's name (ray-mond). Needless to say I was embarrassed, but I would willingly go through 100x that form of embarrassment if I could go to a Thai restaurant and order me my Thai ramen. They'd ship him back all the way and wala, I'd have my Ramen. Sigh, but tts definitely not to be. It certainly sucks that he has to spend his birthday there without me. :( I had plans since wayyyy before, and this trip totally ruined it. But I know he feels worse than I do. But i can't really get myself in the frame of mind that I should to encourage him while he's there yet. I'd better get it together! So the stress with work at the museum piling up and iloveitsew's website problems has led me to alot more baking. My very recent attempt? Like just a few minutes ago, was egg tarts. Kept thinking about lord stow's and madeleine's egg tarts (no 1 and no 2 best egg tarts in Macau respectively) and salivating. I don't eat egg tarts. Never liked them. But the moment ate theirs... It was love at first bite! So much so that ramen and I are considering franchising it to Singapore, great idea eh? We needa earn enough capital money first though, we reckon royalties will be sky high. Anyways, I tried, I googled recipes for portuguese egg tarts and decided to go with the one from Asiandumplingtips.com, just because they featured lord stow in their blog entry just before revealing this recipe. They featured some interesting technique tips, So i thought it might be close. They turned out alright, take a look at my mobile uploads on my fb page. But the look and taste of it wasn't Lord stow's. I added too much lemon peel, but I thought the custard in general wasn't as sweet and fragrant as lord stow's. There wasnt the gloss and charred bits on the top that appeared almost like a "skin". The custard instead was very creme brulee like. Also she recommended using ready made puff pastry. I followed her advice though I usually am quite resistant to using ready made stuff. Pastry was fine, just that the base was a lil thick when the dough retracts. Final verdict is that this recipe needs a little tweaking. Either that or I should google an entirely different custard recipe. And imma make my own puff pastry the next time round! So there's that. Counting down the days till I see ramen again. Somehow, I feel more calm and assured when he's around.

snll drifted away at 9:05 AM ----------

veryskinnycat gobbling down two portions of food

the very skinny cat that i used to chase away when feeding blackcat, skinnycat and fatcat. in this photo, i already took of her polka-dotted pink collar that she was wearing. i've always had the impressions that she was an owned cat, because of her collar and chased her away when she tried stealing skinnycat's food.

last evening, i think she was too desperate, she came up to me and purred, and kept tugging at her collar, as if to tell me that she's not owned, and she's very very hungry. i touched her and realised that she was all skin and bones. wrinkled up skin were just remnants of her former healthier self. she became so skinny that her skin was saggy because of it. the poor cat. and to think that i've misunderstood her for so long! i feel so bad :(

the pink polka dotted collar was so worn and tattered, which i didn't notice cos i didn't even let her near me enough to see. :(

the poor thing!! i'll feed her as often as i can now. she's such a poor thing.


snll drifted away at 10:16 PM ----------
Hello me. Ive been so busy lately, with iloveitsew and all, that my mind is so preoccupied. I thought I was equipped, gamed to conquer the treacherous world (wide web). But alas, my sword has fallen short and my armour has failed me. The triumphant victory or victorious triumph that I envisioned, eluded me. So what does one do when one feels like all, but not ALL is lost? Bake. Well, at least for me. To me, baking is an art of containing chaos in a cup. Delicious sweet chocolatey rich chaos in a cup. And yet, it is with this chaos that I feel like I am most in control. Maybe it's the step by step recipes to follow. Maybe it's the knowing that no matter what, things will turn out alright (maybe with a little fixing, but still alright). Let me explain, first. The preparation. Bringing out the ingredients one by one, knowing full well that you have prepared everything. It's not often that people experience this level of assuredness in life. Flour, sugar, eggs, butter, milk, cocoa, salt, vanilla essence, baking powder, baking soda. There you have it, the ingredients to make the chaos. Measuring it out is a whole other joy. Yes I do have a recipe to follow. But like jack sparrow's old friend barbossa said, these things are merely guidelines. In goes a little more chocolate, in goes a little more this and that and wala, a perfect recipe, tweaked to a perfection only I would understand. Now comes the creaming. "cream the butter and the sugar until light and fluffy." I've always found it amazing how two things can come together and create light-ness and fluffy-ness. Only butter and sugar can. Creamy oily sugary goodness with two of the simplest ingredients. Don't judge a book by its cover. Being light and fluffy doesn't make it easy to attain. In fact, one of the most important steps in baking is creaming the butter and sugar, to ensure that just the right amount of air is in the batter to help get things going. Next, sifting the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Another favourite part of mine to see the white flour and dark cocoa mix to form marbles of powder blending and cracking with each scoop. Then we crack the eggs into the creamed mixture, adding the vanilla as well for the extra oomph. letting it go all gooey knowing full well the next step would create wonders. Alternating the flour mixture and milk is a tricky one. I suggest, start with the flour first, alternating with the milk, and always finish the flour mixture first. Because you can always get more milk, but you can't get more right proportion of flour and cocoa powder and etcetc. When in life do you get this kind of knowledge that you can so easily apply? Well, maybe there is somewhere else, but baking is one of the easiest way aint it? Finally, an avenue for me to apply knowledge! No one can say you are wrong because it is my trick and my cupcake.it gives me a sense of peace folding in the light brown flour mixture, into the creamed mixture to get a rich dark chocolate brown that looks so tempting. Of course, don't eat the batter because the egg is still raw. Scooping the batter into the cupcake cups, is another art. With two spoons as tools, one spoon to scoop, one spoon to clean the other out. I feel very satisfied to have a clean tray with no drips. That is my ultimate goal. Putting it in the oven is the only part I dread. Because I have no control over that whatsoever. I have grilled cupcakes before because of the wrong oven settings. But no matter. As much as professional bakers warn never to re-cook your baked goods, I still do that if I'm not satisfied. Comes out just fine. And if Im still not happy, I can carve and sculpt the cupcake the way I want it to look. Then comes the icing. The icing on the cake. No wonder they use it as a phrase. The icing on the cake truly is the icing on the cake! It covers up all flaws, and at the same time, enhances the flavour of the cake. Along with beautifully coloured fondant, the final product looks almost too good to be true. But that's not all, there's still the cleaning up. Washing and soaping all the oily chocolatey goo off, is therapeutic actually, makes you have a sense of achievement after everything. Washing up also comprises of showering after s long night of smelling like butter. And now, settling down to go to sleep, it is this feeling I get, the fact that God gave me the ability to create something of out nothing. It keeps me going. It is actually the first time I've gained such enlightenment about baking. I've never thought of it this way before, only thought it was something I enjoyed doing. But yes it makes me happy and yes I feel accomplished. I'll never look at baking the same way again. You've guessed it, I love my chaos in a cup.

snll drifted away at 9:34 AM ----------