MEMORIES OF MY GRANDFATHER

feeling not so happy today. its just one of those days where you think back on how your life have been, how people have come and gone. but now i'm thinking bout my grandfather. i'm thinking bout all the hopes he had for me and all the dreams i had because of him. are they really going to happen? my grandfather is a real encouraging person. i can't put these into words but just to see that smile on his face whenever i bring good results home is almost all my motivation to studying and getting good results. but now, i can't see that smile anymore. not ever. i hope he can see me in heaven because i really need him to see me through my life. knowing that he'll be up there with jesus watching me just gives me that much more comfort. he's set aside money for my education but is it worth it? all for me? what if i don't live up to his expectations? will he blame me? i won't know all these answers unless i myself go up to heaven. i really miss my grandfather. on the day he died. i dreamt that he didn't really die and that all this was a big joke. i started to regret everything. if only i had studied harder for o levels. he would have been that much happier. would he have died a more peaceful death if i was with him that day? i dreamt that he didn't leave me. but that's all a dream. on the night when i stayed over at the wake, i kept looking at my grandpa. i cried myself to sleep that night. i dunno if this happened to u guys before but on the day of the cremation, i didn't really cry much. mostly because i had no more tears left to cry. my heart was breaking but there wasn't much tears. i believe he wouldn't want to see me hurting. but that's how i feel. even right now and i believe i will feel this way for a very long time. but just the thought of god looking after him now in heaven, i'm at peace. i know he's in good hands and one day i'll get to see him again. show him my accomplishments and watch that smile light up his face. that day'll come. from now till then, i'll be thinking of my grandfather everyday. to my ah kong: i love you.

TO CELESTINE WONG CHU WEN
she's not dead. she's just leaving me to another country. once again u've guessed it correctly. that song's exactly how i feel. i know u are going there to accomplish your dreams but u can't blame me for feeling a sense of loss. if i study hard enough though i can go over and join u. but for now i'll live. i mean i know we still can communicate through the emails and internet. but somehow it wouldn't feel the same would it? everything's changing. when i look around all out of my control. no more crying sessions or laughing sessions. no more heart to heart talk cos its probably much more difficult if both hearts are pretty much not in the same continent. but i know that you're going for a right reason and this little period of time couldn't make a difference in our friendship. i can't prevent you from going but as long as you still have that friendship in your heart going anywhere doesn't matter right? stupid song is making me cry. as long as u still have me in your heart it doesn't matter where you go cos i'll be there with you. no matter wad. this is for you.

Every now and then
We find a special friend
who never lets us down...
Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
you're the best friend i have found...
I know you can't stay
a part of you will never ever go away
your heart will stay.....

I'll make a wish for you,
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
if you lose your way,
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.

I don't need eyes to see
the love you bring to me,
no matter where I go
and I know that you'll be there
forever-more a part of me and everywhereI'll always care.....

and I'll be right behind your shoulder,
watching you
I'll be standing by your side,
all you do
and I won't ever leave
as long as you believe,
you just believe....

snll drifted away at 6:09 AM ----------