watched the last episode of devil beside you yest and i was thinking, why does it all seem so familiar. ok putting the typical exaggerating taiwan drama irritating sound effects and camera effects aside, the story is essentially familiar to me. why? :( because it makes me sad. it makes me think and therefore makes me sad. only this story has a fairytale ending, but mine doesn't. :(felt so overwhelmed with feelings i started to think of my ahkong :( i miss him, still. i know its been 2 years already. sigh. it would be so much easier to have him here to advise me on the next course of my life. my dad feels that the experience of studying overseas would be a good one. my mom feels that studying locally with family here and lesser strain on my dad's salary would be even better. and honestly, i'm caught in between. i want the experience, but at the same time, i don't want my 'wants' to be a strain on my dad. i know he works really hard to raise these 2 daughters of his. and i know sometimes he gets disappointed with us but doesn't wanna tell us because he doesn't wanna hurt our feelings. i know i always say my dad shows favourtism towards my sister but i know he loves me alot too. sometimes i wish he was more open with his feelings like my mom who nags and scolds and screams whenever she feels angry or sad. my dad just keeps it all inside. i know sometimes i don't answer when he talks to me, i know sometimes he feels like i don't care. but i do. i just don't express it as much. i mean, come on, he is my daddy. i feel sad when he gets disappointed and scared when he gets angry. i know it isn't easy to live with 3 women with the tendency to make it a point to clash on a daily, or rather, hourly basis. my dad used to play golf almost everyday in the past, he could buy just whatever he wanted like speakers,tv, gold equipment etc. but now, he has to plan, he has to budget and not for his future, but for ours. mine and my sis's. i know he has given up alot. with the new job being so taxing, working every sat and having to work midnight shifts. i know my mom is sad that they can't go out every sat like they used to. but she doesn't say it either. she just says that with this pay, we could have more options for our studies and our future. ok. wait, why am i talking bout my dad? i was talking bout my ahkong. maybe because they are all fatherly figures to me.ok so, my mom says i have to get my priorities right when deciding. and i think i have. what's more important than family? than friends that i've grown so used to seeing almost everyday? than making sure my dad doesn't have to strain himself for my sake? selfish is exactly not what i wanna be. esp not when the reason is soooo trivial and childish and downright unimportant as mine. so there you have it. oh shucks, now i regret not filling the NUS application more seriously. but at least i've filled in the discretionary part and sent in my documents. i'm so glad i've thought it through. thank god for that.
snll drifted away at 8:58 PM
----------
|
|