just one call. to totally change one night's events. from words like 'friendship' and 'fulfilling' to words like 'brooding' and 'solemn'. i was laughing. i was joking. i was getting to know people, learning new things about people i already knew. and yet just one call.
how could i not be over this? how could i not be? maybe its the blatant laughter in the background, the jokes, the voices i could hear. the hypocritical fake 'niceness' that could so often be used against me when others appear. i am glad that i can't act as well. but i am so frustrated that some people can. does these people deserve the victory of seeing their target get scrutinized or trampled upon just because they can act well?
a simple request, that i could not refuse. just because it was asked of me. what am i hanging on to. God please tell me. or at least help me understand. if not just help me to let it go. regardless of how much i gave, how much he took, how much i feel unjustified, how much i want to take everything back, how much i feel i've let my family down. just let everything that was ever said and done with him. help me to let it go. i gave, he took. now i have an empty space. even now, he takes.
people ask me how i am. at times, i truly am fine. i truly comprehend the decision i made. i fully understood, it was for the best. but at times, i mouth the word fine. but i am not. its been so long. one month. is it not enough? i've been through worse. just what am i doing to myself. i need to get over this. i need to save myself. this is something i need to do. and i will do. sometimes, just looking at my mother or father and yes, even my sister makes everything seem better. nth can be more important than people that truly matter. from the words of mitch albom in "for one more day", indeed "...But i cannot put into words the comfort I drew from that moment. I can only say that, as I speak to you now, I still yearn for it ..." now just thinking of them i feel so much better.
sigh. this is just a time for me to let things out. i'm clearing my system bit by bit. with help from my loved ones. so this rant, can be taken as a sign of improvement, not a cause for alarm.
You give and take away too. the only difference is that You give love and take away burdens. the exact opposite of what he does.
snll drifted away at 10:32 AM
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