in between googling about cardiovascular deconditioning and orthostatic intolerance, i am finding the time to just pen out my thoughts before my heart explodes. ironic.
i don't know what i was doing today. i went to school, albeit a little flustered because we were 40 mins late. didn't go for lect in the end anyways. went for tut, then lect again as usual. a pretty 'lifeless' mundane day. but it had to happen. it just had to.
the bus i was waiting for took forever to come, the bus that i used to take frequently came. everytime this particular bus comes along. i hold my breath. willing myself not to look. and usually i win. i would look at the ground, look at the flies buzzing around the bin, look at mould on the drink machine, or look at someone else somewhere wearing something out of this world. but today, i looked. i looked into the bus. i deliberately scanned every seat. half hoping and half dreading the thought of seeing what i thought i would see.
and i saw. i saw it even though it wasn't really there. my eyes just refused to move away. and i stopped breathing. i held my breath for the longest time. for what seemed like an eternity before the bus drove off and i realised, it wasn't him. just the memory of him, made me see something that wasn't there. i was looking at someone whom i saw as him. how long will it take before i can just BREATHE. i really want to just BREATHE.
i don't have any feelings for him anymore. i really don't. i don't want to be affected by him anymore, hence the choice of cutting myself off from everything relating to him. i don't want to dread seeing his friends, dread doing things that remind me of him, dread walking alone in school just praying that i don't see him. i want to just feel LIBERATED. free from all this crap. i want to forget everything that has happened, good or bad.
all i want is to just breathe.
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
