i was listening to a myriad of songs on the way there, but none of them seemed apt for the mood i was in until it shuffled to "safe in a crazy world" by corrinne may. i literally bit my lip so i wouldn't cry. i scrolled to her playlist and really. so many songs she sang just hit me right in my heart. its like she was saying she understood. i was talking to god, asking him to help me through this. maybe this will be the year when i can face ahkong with a smile. but it didn't happen as i planned. its been 5 years since he left us in 2005. but somehow, it still feels like it was just yesterday when i am there. i remember looking at the painted verse on the wall:
"38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
the first time i was there. romans 8. i remember sitting at the same balcony, trying to not think about it. but now i wanna think about it because i don't want to forget any shred of memory that has ahkong in it. i still have the pink scissors.
i didn't really know what to say when i stood there, except the usual about how we're all doing. i know he'll hear me, along with mickey, rocky, isaac, britney, nicky and all our previous pets. since ahkong passed, i've envisioned him staying in a house with all our passed pets too. they'll be there to keep him company. everytime i'm there, i feel like i'm letting him down when i leave. like i can only fork out so little of my time to see him once/twice a year?
i listened to "safe in a crazy world" again. i cleaned the tile. so dusty.
it really is one of those things that never heal. you'll never ever feel the pain lessen, because it won't. it just won't. and i am happy that it doesn't because it means that i will not forget how much i love my ahkong and how much i miss him.
I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop believing in me.
It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtains to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me
You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again
Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's on a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek
You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again
'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again
snll drifted away at 5:35 AM
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